Soo, it's been 6 months

Obviously,I haven't written in awhile. Life gets in the way sometimes...
I haven't worked on my book. Had a dream where the main character told me to wait, and take my time... I always listen to messages in dreams, so... i haven't typed a word, though, i feel i ought to start again soon.

My Ella is doing better with her speech. She is producing k & g sounds on her own, and learned a few new ones on her own. She is beginning to read & is doing very well with what I am teaching her... She even got on the phone with my sister who hasn't seen or talked to her since October... she understood everything she said! Yippee. :) That makes a mom proud. She has been going out on a limb and speaking more in public and to her little pals at school. I even leave her at co-op for 5 hours and she is doing beautifully. And boy, does the girl love dance class.

We'll be moving around June for Chris' new job... excited about the money, but love it where we're at right now. Such nice and down to earth people... I hope the people in our new area will be as welcoming and friendly... Just because we'll be 45 mins away I won't kid myself into thinking I'll be able to keep in touch with anyone but my sister & baby... oh well. :)~ Maybe it'll be a good thing.

I am hoping for lots of little friends for Hannah & Ella... I am worried that since she is now 6, new kids will be meaner to her... I am so worried about it, since she is in a good space. She told me recently, "Mommy, the kids at school can't hear me. It makes my heart feel like it is going to die." She thinks they can't hear her... but, they ignore her because it is too hard to understand her. I hate that she has to go through with this... I hate that Hannah is sort of on the sidelines while I focus on Ella... though, I wake up every morning, hearing Hannah helping Ella with her speech... it is so sweet. I am so lucky to have such good girls.

I am hoping that once we get settled into his new job, we can find a great place to live... someplace with a big backyard for the kids to run in... a place for the dog... a garden... maybe a goat and chickens before the kiddos are too old to appreciate such animals...I loved being little and amongst the chickens... picking them up and petting them... feeling their warm poo 'tween my toes... ah, memories...

Well, I am off to make myself a snack... i've been thinking about pancakes for the last 2 hours and I'm gonna do it... ha.

normal

Today, I was recording videos of my Little to send to her speech therapist for evaluation. Good news is, she talked to her, yippee... Bad news is, i thought the speech problems were mainly with her K, G and TH sounds... Boy, was I wrong. When I really listened to her, I realize she isn't able to say her L, Z, Y... Her vowels are all messed up. I am afraid she will never be "normal". Yes, normal. I am not going to get into the who "what is normal? No one is normal." conversation in my head because it really is a futile thought.

My grandma said, "Well, will they even let her go to school talking like she does?"

I homeschool, but send the kids to a charter 2 days a week for socialisation. (Yes, I am not too proud to be part of a "system", and YES, we are still homeschoolers.) This comment bugged me, as she is her great-grandma... but, even more so, it bothered me because I worry for her future. I do not have the skills to help her & I am a horrible failure of a parent. I kills me.

Then, this little prick on YouTube made fun of my daughter. He told me it wasn't cool to put retarded kids on the internet for others to see, and that I am warping her, etc. Why does it matter? Who knows. It just stung, having someone make fun of my daughter. So, I made all of her videos private. I had put them up, in the hopes i could talk to other people with apraxic (or kids who have severe speech disorders)... i wanted to learn, and see... ugh.

It is hard, seeing her problems are not just solved. I can't just give her vitamins, and omegas and do speech therapy & cure her. I don't know what to do. My oldest is acting out. They fight all the time.

Oh, I know it could be worse. I know this. She could have cancer, or be dead... or be crippled, or maimed... I KNOW THIS... i wish i could get off the pity wagon here & there.

Knowing this does not make it any easier. I just want someone to tell me "Your daughter WILL talk like everyone else. She WILL get married and have children. She will be happy. She will have a job, etc... Although, I know that everyone's path is different & if she wanted to be a wandering gypsy, I'd be cool with it, as long as she is happy. She is so happy right now, in her 5 year old world. She skips and sings, and plays. God, to be that innocent. I want to protect her from people who are sure to kill her self-esteem.

I just wish she could carry on a conversation that we didn't have to translate or guess at what she is saying.

I wish I knew what the future held for her, so I could feel better about this... I know how much i hated being a teenager, and i was "normal".

I don't like the way people look at her. I don't know what to do. I have researched and applied whatever i find, and it works a little... but, i am feeling inept. I do not have any answers, and no one can give them to me...

The GFCF Diet

Today, I read a letter from a Mommy who has a 3 year old who only speaks about 5 words. Do I know this pain well...
It is hard starting the GFCF diet when your grandpa grew up on a dairy farm, and calls milk, "Nature's Perfect Food".
The way we began the GFCF diet was by following the 10 week program on TacaNow
We added the Nordic Naturals Omega 3-6-9 jr’s. (2 caps a day).

A lot of times, people want an exact estimate of when a difference in the child will take place. It depends on the kid, the severity of their gut issues, etc. Some people see immediate changes. For my daughter, it was about 3 days after removing milk that we noticed she was sleeping through the night. I kept checking on her, thinking that something "wasn't right"... (That's how we had lived for years, and it was strange to see this.)

About a week later, we removed wheat. I cannot give you a correct estimate of exactly how long it was before we saw a change in her… but, I am *thinking* it was probably a week. Nothing too drastic. She was less hyper, less “stimmy”…

Before starting her on the diet, I went to this website: http://www.autismeval.com/ari-atec/ and performed the Autism evaluation. The higher the score (nearer to 100), the more autistic traits your child has. When she 1^st took it Nov 2005, she scored a 68. It sent me into a deep depression. This was not how I wanted my child’s life… It made me feel that I *needed* to believe in the diet. Something had to work. Mouth cues and speech therapy games were not holding her interest. She was very flighty, and couldn’t sit still… unless *she* wanted to.

January 2006, her score was 57. Not all that great, I suppose. And I suppose that one might give up on the diet altogether with only an 11 point difference. One might think that with age, this could have happened.I kept it up, thinking eventually, things will change. Eventually, she will get better. I was happy with her progress, even if it was minimal. Plus, she slept through the night and would sit and listen to me read her stories now…

Fast forward to 5/20/2006. Her score was a 17! In four months, this is how far she had come. In March she had an intestinal bug that the Dr couldn’t figure out the cause for. We all had gotten sick, but it held on tight in my daughter. Part of me thinks her body took it as a perfect opportunity to rid itself of all of the “junk” that was in her body. I am not sure… But, she speaks sentences now. At the time, she kept telling me, “Food is mean to my tummy.” I tried to figure out what was bugging her… I have no clue, to this day.

Nov 2005, her language consisted of Dee How (Cat), Boo Hi (Dog), Ma (for me, my mom and my grandma), Pa, No, D (her name for people she loves… her sister, my sister), Grampa (my dad), Grandpapa (my grandpa)… She had a stuffed animal named “Ow”… Hunry (hungry)… eye, nose, knee, hairs… That’s pretty much it.

Now, she is doing very well. She speaks in sentences. She couldn’t say her c/k sound… here she is a couple of weeks ago.

C/K words

And, here she is speaking in sentences about her favorite things. (She has a thing for horses)

Fave Things

She couldn’t count, and now can go to 10.

Couting

As you can see, she DOES have a ways to go… but, really… I am thrilled with her progress. There are days I wish she would just wake up and speak like everyone else. But, she has taught me a lot about determination and patience… and what true love really is. I see other parents out there with their kids who are so much worse off than my Ella… and I just want to hug them. I was looking online, and saw a mom with her son with Hydrocephalous. That just broke my heart, because she just keeps trying. Her love won’t let her quit.

If you are still reading this, I know your love won’t let you quit, either. You’re not a quitter! Like my ATEC results show, it took 4 months for a great improvement. What was funny about it, was that I had taken the test again, thinking it wouldn’t show much progress. Everyone kept telling me how much better she had gotten. I couldn’t believe it. So, maybe the “bursts” won’t happen in a noticeable way like you want… I can only remember a few times when I was so happy about her progress.

Just try it. It is supposed to work for 80% of our kids. I am soooo glad I did the diet with Ella. We did it for 8 months, and now that her gut has healed (they say it takes 6-7 months), we have her on enzymes. She is eating “regular” foods again, with the help of the enzymes. No more sleepless nights. No stims… Supposedly after 3 weeks, she is supposed to have a burst of speech… I haven’t noticed anything. (I took the videos to sort of check & see progress. Before this, she was too embarrassed to talk on camera.) Now, she is feeling confident.

We still have her on the Omega fatty acids, but bumped the dosage up to 4 caps a day. If we miss a day, you can tell…

I hope this helps… If you read this & want to know more, email me. I’ll help as best as I can . Good Luck

<3

Attack Dawg

Is this the face of evil? Pictured: My pooch on the porch with my monkey, eating her food from little fingers.



So, my dog is a megabeast. She barks at everyone who passes, and sounds like Cujo. Her deep-throated bellowing scares the local children. Three of them came up my walk about twenty minutes ago, to inform me that my sweetums scares their sister so badly she refuses to walk along the alleyway by my house. Two doors down, there is another little walking path they could go down... why don't they go there, instead?

She says, "Well, we usually run really fast so she won't attack us."
"That's probably why she is barking at you," I said. "She probably thinks you are up to no good and is warning you to stay away."
The other little pudgy girl says, "Well, we had a dog like that and we got rid of her."
The first girl says, "Yeah, I think she is an attack dog, and I think she's gonna bite someone."
"No," I say, "She is not an attack dog. She is very sweet. She just barks at strangers. I let her play with my girls on the side yard by themselves. She would never hurt anyone."

All I can think of is, what a special lesson: Your dog barks, so you get "rid" of it.

Believe me, my life could be a lot less complicated, if not for this beast of mine. She thinks she is a kid, and whines so annoyingly when we put her out to play. You would think she is being tortured. It sounds like she is saying, "Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi eeeeeeee" in a high-pitched screech.

If she even hears anyone coming near my fence, she howls like a demon.

Now, to play Devil's Advocate here... we did live in a neighborhood that was crime riddled from her puppyhood, until less than a year ago. We had been robbed twice. She was there both times. The neighborhood kids would through rocks at her, and yell cuss words to the kids while they were playing. We used to live on an acre with feilds all around us. I liked that she barked. It made me feel safe. She was a wild girl on a mission. She was rewarded for proecting us while Chris worked nights & it was just us 3 girls.

Now, we are in a small town, and the houses are close. I really want to move to the more secluded area of town, but must wait for jobs and financials to be in order.

Until then, I wait. I will dream of a time, my beast can be as ornery as can be... and it will not annoy the neighbors.

Sometimes, I worry about someone poisoning her... She is quite the turd bucket. If I didn't know her, I'd hate her, too... Speaking of which, I am on my porch and some kid walked past & threw a rock over the fence... No doubt intended to upset my pooch.

How stupid can people be? Yet, I fear the town's dog catcher/meter maid/all around city-rules-enforcing pest to come around & talk to me about my dog. I told these girls, we have gotten her a shock collar. We have gotten a device that shreiks loudly when she barks. Neither of them have worked. We put her on a chain, so she wouldn't be near the fence to harrass people. She jumps on the side of the house and hangs on it, whining. I have walked her, etc. Basically, she wants to lay around the house all day & be with us... Which, is fine, mostly... but, when she is in, she whines. I wish we had a house that I could just open the door and tell her to get out... That is ONE thing i miss about my old digs...

Meanwhile, my oldest daughter plays in her pool, oblivious to her dog's behavior. Oh, to be 7 with your 8th birhday 5 days away, again.

Rock Collecting Your Way To Happiness

I am lucky enough to live in paradise.

I was feeling pretty low this morning, and laying around feeling pretty 'Blah'. My husband blurts out to the kids, "We're going to ____ Falls! Go get dressed!"

I was angry, feeling as if he could have at least asked me first. I believe I even said something to the tune of "Thanks for giving me the choice!"

He got the kids ready, and I grumpily laid in bed with barely enough energy to even WANT to get dressed. When I heard him come in with the dog, i jumped out of bed and started getting ready. He was jolly, and asked, "Still not ready?". He smiled at me. Oh, sigh.

So, I get ready, grab some drinks, and we take off. I am thinking about the snakes, and maybe mountain lions. (He has taken them before. I had never been.) So, we traverse over rocks and slippery mud. I fell in an odd sort of splits-- the kind where one leg goes out in front, and the other falls behind. I shake it off and try not to get too mad. I had brought a bag to collect leaves in, and was busily grabbing beautiful leaves from plants. I wanted to do paper rubbings of them for art. I thought that would look pretty for our bulliten board.

So, we get down there, and it is so cool and beautiful. We spent the better part of the afternoon picking out beautiful rocks. I found some that were orange with specks of gold in them. (I'm sure it's fools gold, but it is so pretty!)

Hannah's birthday is in a week, so I am planning on getting her a rock tumbler... Maybe we can make some pretty jewelry from them. I am planning on making some tabletop mosaics with the thin ones. (Which was my primary goal in getting the rocks in the 1st place.)

So, I had a great day. I am glad he made me leave the house. Of course, when he suggested we leave, I am knee deep in the water, shoes and socks off. I said, "You get me out of the house, and when I am enjoying myself, you wanna make me go home!!!" ahah... Life :)

Writing

Well, I am not sure what it is about ideas coming into my head when I am about to fall asleep... but, last night, I had one of the worst night's sleep possible. I kept thinking of great ideas for my story, and would think "Okay, file that. Don't forget that."

The last time I got up and wrote them all down, I was so tired the next morning, I could have died. I stayed up until 5:30 a.m. writing. Too many ideas to stop the flow. Last night, I thought, "I will not have another night like that." Of course, I think that... and then all night long, all I could do was think...

So, I suppose, I should have just gotten up and written! I'm so tired, I might just take a nap! (And make this the shortest blog I've ever written!

15 minutes of freewriting cured my writer's block!

So, I keep thinking about Mr. House's class and how great it was. I wish I could get that sort of inspiration again. So, I am going to be using this blog as a 15 minute mind dump, every day (I hope).. and hopefully, I can get some snippets of stories from them? Either that, or lube up the ol' mind to WANT to write.

I made the mistake of showing a book I am currently working on to some people. Now, I was feeling lost. Feeling like I wasn't sure what to do with it, exactly... But, the critiques were a little harsher than my humble ego can deal with! :)

Things like: You rush your scenes... then the person says the story is too slow. Tells me to write as if I am writing to a friend, and in the next breath says I need to be "less cerebral and more literary". Lots of contradictions, so I choose to only take the "describe your characters better" to heart. That is it.

Obviously, I cannot even begin to process a critique like this. I was told, basically, the story is shit, and that I only have 1 good paragraph out of 20 pages. Of course, I have 80 more pages sitting here... so I don't know. I have been working on it for 2 months. It is hard to write about, as it deals with death.

I asked my mom to look at it, and she has given me vague comments... Says I rush over the emotional parts. (I know I must do this, as it was too painful to relly dlve into writing this. It used to end in crying jags every single time... now, I am able to write daily... So, maybe I need to cry more?) My mom doesn't want to put her 2 cents in, she says. It's my book.

The touchy, insecure writer, this means, "My poor retarded daughter. How can I tell you that your writing sucks so badly, that I cannot even fathom a nice way to say it."

Yes, I am prone to dramatics. I know this.


I just need help, and I am buckling under pressure... But, I know I need to write this. It is going to be hard, and I need to accept this. I need to feel the emotions, so I can be happy, I guess. I don't know. I hate that I bottle up my emotions all the time.

Also, another thing that bugged me about the critique, was that the person said my reaction to the death of a family member was "trite". Well... I wrote how it went. I was shocked and went into this ... space... I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to be alone. I cried. I went to my mom's and hugged her & my dad... It is hard for me to say "I love you" but in that time in my life, I told everyone I loved them more than they probably wanted to hear.

It was hard, thinking someonewho is only 5 years older than I, was dead. I couldn't imagine not raising my kids.

I suppose I need to actually write how I felt. How much sorrow it caused me, rather than saying I cried. I try not to go there too often...and sometimes, when i do talk about it, my throat catches and it feels bruised and angry. I hate that feeling.

I just am not the type to fall on the floor and scream WHY WHY WHY... I just can't do that. I can silently weep... If I am by myself, I can sit in the bathroom and cry, silently... hurrying to wipe the tears before the kids can see.

I do cry a lot. I cry over being tired. Or frusteration. But, being hurt, or in pain... I suppose I need to hide it. Not really sure.

So, here I am, complaining about someone not liking my story. I suppose, I have figured out, i need to let myself go. My mom did say I needed to stop being so "politically correct" and let it all hang out... I suppose I oughtta do that. I am not actually planning on publishing this... I just want to do it and get it finished.

Maybe someday my children can read it, and understand why, when they were young, Mommy was a crazy woman. :)