normal

Today, I was recording videos of my Little to send to her speech therapist for evaluation. Good news is, she talked to her, yippee... Bad news is, i thought the speech problems were mainly with her K, G and TH sounds... Boy, was I wrong. When I really listened to her, I realize she isn't able to say her L, Z, Y... Her vowels are all messed up. I am afraid she will never be "normal". Yes, normal. I am not going to get into the who "what is normal? No one is normal." conversation in my head because it really is a futile thought.

My grandma said, "Well, will they even let her go to school talking like she does?"

I homeschool, but send the kids to a charter 2 days a week for socialisation. (Yes, I am not too proud to be part of a "system", and YES, we are still homeschoolers.) This comment bugged me, as she is her great-grandma... but, even more so, it bothered me because I worry for her future. I do not have the skills to help her & I am a horrible failure of a parent. I kills me.

Then, this little prick on YouTube made fun of my daughter. He told me it wasn't cool to put retarded kids on the internet for others to see, and that I am warping her, etc. Why does it matter? Who knows. It just stung, having someone make fun of my daughter. So, I made all of her videos private. I had put them up, in the hopes i could talk to other people with apraxic (or kids who have severe speech disorders)... i wanted to learn, and see... ugh.

It is hard, seeing her problems are not just solved. I can't just give her vitamins, and omegas and do speech therapy & cure her. I don't know what to do. My oldest is acting out. They fight all the time.

Oh, I know it could be worse. I know this. She could have cancer, or be dead... or be crippled, or maimed... I KNOW THIS... i wish i could get off the pity wagon here & there.

Knowing this does not make it any easier. I just want someone to tell me "Your daughter WILL talk like everyone else. She WILL get married and have children. She will be happy. She will have a job, etc... Although, I know that everyone's path is different & if she wanted to be a wandering gypsy, I'd be cool with it, as long as she is happy. She is so happy right now, in her 5 year old world. She skips and sings, and plays. God, to be that innocent. I want to protect her from people who are sure to kill her self-esteem.

I just wish she could carry on a conversation that we didn't have to translate or guess at what she is saying.

I wish I knew what the future held for her, so I could feel better about this... I know how much i hated being a teenager, and i was "normal".

I don't like the way people look at her. I don't know what to do. I have researched and applied whatever i find, and it works a little... but, i am feeling inept. I do not have any answers, and no one can give them to me...